A long time ago, I remember feeling like God was challenging me to trust Him with my heart. Sounds whimsical, right? And if you're not religious it might sound downright weird. Fair enough. If you hang around any crew long enough, you start to pick up their lingo & the same can be true of the Christian church. Sorry:). For me, trusting God with my heart is to trust him w/ the core of who I am: my hopes, dreams, desperate passions- the details of my life. Back then they were fears of a college girl- “Will I ever get married? Will I be loved? Fulfilled? Do something significant with my life? “ And yet here we are years later- same question. But nowadays it looks a bit dfferent.
You see, at the wee hour of 12:11 a.m., tossing & turning, unable to fall asleep & allowing my mind to wander to all things here & there, I’m thinking about tomorrow. Picturing what tomorrow morning will hold: Like most Sunday mornings, it'll be coffee & donuts w/ my 2 healthy, vibrant babies before we join my husband at church where he'll have already been preparing & greeting for several hours. On Sundays the babies & I (often w/ friends & family) like to frequent local coffee & donut shops, finding new interesting cubbies in our city & new fav local haunts. "Maybe we'll walk to Broadcast Coffee where they have the donuts Tuck likes & the coffee I love. Maybe we'll wander down to Green Lake to Fix Coffee House where it's always busy & the people watching can be stellar. Or maybe it'll rain so we'll drive down to Whole Foods (where i can park my car in the free garage so we don't get wet unloading everyone from the car- GLORY!!) & I can get the baby scrambled eggs from the hot bar..." Such little, seemingly meaningless things, but these very things i'm realizing are everything. You see, I’ve just now realized that these simple Sunday mornings are in fact what I have dreamed of my whole life. Like- literally- this is it. I'm here. It's the abundance of love, of grace, of family I had always hoped for. I laid in bed tonight scrolling pictures on my phone- seeing the changes in my babies over even the last few months. My chest got tight. I could barely breath, overwhelmed with how much I love these precious babes in my care.
Yet here I am all these years later- same question: “Do you trust me with your heart?” Sure I do. But here’s the thing- game changer: My heart is so much THEM. My heart is my dreamy three year old son Tucker who’s footsteps padding across the kitchen floor when he’s coming to find me first thing when he wakes in the morning is a sound I’ll never forget. That little boy who finishes the songs I’m humming, always steals the last bites of my snacks (& laughs uncontrollably about it), who’s concerned for the feelings & well-being of the people around him. At three years old he gets that its important for the people around him to know they’re loved. My heart is my scrunchy-faced perma-smiler Penelope, only 9 months old but absolutely flawless, brave, & like waking up to Christmas morning everyday. Soft, warm cheeks, that press into my neck & chest when she’s being shy; eyes that light up when she sees her daddy- just like he’s always dreamed they would. Tiny, perfect dimpled hands, stronger that anyone would expect- I literally can not put into words how precious their tiny souls are too me. I value them before my life with zero consideration. I don’t fear for my life or safetly for the sake of that in itself but b/c I think “If I’m gone, will they be loved well? No one will love them like I do.”
Years ago before I had babies, I was making my mom a scrapbook & ran across a quote. Back then I found it to be cheeky & charming, but now it downright terrifies me:
So sure God- I trust you. You have my heart & my attention- I understand that I'm not just a mom but that I have my own unique hopes & desires to deal with. But the real challenge now a days & true test of the depth of that trust is if i trust you with THEM. Do i truly? Helicopter mom tendencies & all aside? God, can you love them as wholly as I do? Do you have their best interests in mind? Will your heart hurt when you see their tender heart has been hurt by another silly little kid on th playground? Will you notice when Tuck is needing comfort & drawn near to him? Will you see the treasure that is our darling Penelope & protect her? I don't know if you're cut out for the job... surely no one can love them better than me.
Who better to protect our hearts than the one who made them & loves them most.